16: Self-Compassion As The Ultimate Healing Tool with Tanu Bedi-Seraphim

Maureen Spielman: 00:00:00

Welcome back to mystical sisterhood. Today I

Maureen Spielman: 00:00:02

interviewed Tanu Bedi- Seraphim. She's a conscious relationship

Maureen Spielman: 00:00:06

coach, we're talking all things compassion. So, you may be a

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practitioner of applying compassion to yourself when

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going through a hard time or when life hits you with

Maureen Spielman: 00:00:15

curveballs. But I know that a lot of us don't know really what

Maureen Spielman: 00:00:19

it means to take compassion and apply it to ourselves during

Maureen Spielman: 00:00:23

these times. So today, we're going to break it down. Why

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compassion is beneficial for you, and how to do some

Maureen Spielman: 00:00:30

practices to take into your own life. Tonto has studied with so

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many different teachers and I respect her so greatly. And this

Maureen Spielman: 00:00:38

Saturday, she will be inviting you to a meditation practice

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she's doing around Tara Brock's rain, we go into what rain is.

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And I'm going to put a link to Tatuus Instagram in the show

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notes. If you're interested in learning the technique after

Maureen Spielman: 00:00:56

listening to the podcast even if you don't get a chance to

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listen, go to her Instagram and in her link tree, you will find

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a link to take part in this beautiful ritual that she's

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going to be holding on Saturday. Thanks so much.

Maureen Spielman: 00:01:15

Hey there, welcome to mystical sisterhood. This is your host,

Maureen Spielman: 00:01:18

Maureen Spielman. I started the show to highlight the

Maureen Spielman: 00:01:21

intuitives, healers and other courageous women that I've met

Maureen Spielman: 00:01:24

along my journey and continue to meet. Through amazing

Maureen Spielman: 00:01:28

interviews, I seek to ask insightful questions to uncover

Maureen Spielman: 00:01:31

ways in which you the listener can apply the wisdom and

Maureen Spielman: 00:01:34

knowledge to your own life. I believe that we're all in this

Maureen Spielman: 00:01:38

together. So sharing healing and joy, and bringing community

Maureen Spielman: 00:01:42

together is both my passion and purpose. If you'd like to learn

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more about the mystical sisterhood community I'm

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building, please visit www mystical sisterhood.com See you

Maureen Spielman: 00:01:55

in the episode.

Unknown: 00:02:03

Welcome back, everybody. This is Maureen. And

Unknown: 00:02:07

I'm here with Tanu. And we're here to talk about compassion.

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today. It is the topic that we're coming in with, I know

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that we'll probably cover many things during this time

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together. But for the audience, the reason I wanted to have

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Tawny on for this conversation is that she and I met during Dr.

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Shefali, this conscious parenting program and connected

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we're lucky enough to sit together or join together in a

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circle of women,

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where we kind of worked on the principles we were learning and

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began to talk about our lives and how the topics being offered

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affected us and how, you know, how could we understand

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everything we were learning and sort of process it and begin to

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apply it to our lives. And I'll have to say, for me, you know,

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of the many topics I learned about compassion has been a

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really big one. Because as we'll get into today, I think it's a

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neglected sort of area. I think it's not one people have taken

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deeper dives into, even though there are really big bodies of

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work out there about compassion. And the reason I wanted Tani to

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come on is because I know her to not only be

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an avid seeker of, I think, teachers, wisdom teachers who

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teach on compassion, but also just a person who's taken deep

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dives into the material. And I thought Tanya, you'd be just the

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perfect person today.

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So I just want to welcome you, and thank you for being here

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with us. Thank you, Maureen. It's such a privilege to be

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here. And I'm excited to talk about this topic, because it's

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so important to my heart. Yeah, yeah. Well, and I know,

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I don't know if it was a self discovery around compassion and

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your interest in the material

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that came in the past few years or before that. But to begin

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with, I know you're one of the persons who sat with me who

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began in a much different career.

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:04:21

Yes. So I was actually working as a

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:04:27

science researcher in a neuroscience lab. And then I had

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:04:33

children and I took a break.

Unknown: 00:04:37

And that's sort of how my journey began, but it was

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very different from

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where we are right now. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not a lot of

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compassionate talk going on in the labs around the world. I'm

Unknown: 00:04:51

sure.

Unknown: 00:04:53

It's different, right. It's, I think that compassion like you

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said, initially, it's not the

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Something that most of us engage in talking about. So it's not

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something that is that is very prevalent in most of our work

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cultures, I would say in our society. Yeah, yeah. And then

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you took you took the time off, to raise your kids begin those

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years with them. And I was thinking before we met, I mean,

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raising children requires a lot of compassion. It calls upon so

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many reserves from us, that, quite frankly, so many come a

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bit ill equipped to provide for our kids. And I think that's one

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way in conscious parenting that compassion begins to be

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something we talk about in not only offering them but offering

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ourselves first. But can you say a little bit about how you

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became interested in this topic?

Unknown: 00:05:56

Yeah.

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So I think,

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:06:00

when I became a parent, I, I myself was

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:06:04

raised in a family where it was very much a dictatorship, very

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:06:09

much traditional parenting style. So when I had children, I

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:06:15

just knew in my heart that I wanted to do it differently. But

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:06:18

I didn't have any models for it. And what ended up happening is

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:06:23

that because of my background in science, I sort of threw myself

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:06:28

into the child rearing psychology, child development,

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:06:34

and things like that naturally. And I've memorized a lot of the

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:06:38

scripts that many of the wonderful psychologists provide

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:06:42

us with. But when I had my second child, I wasn't able to

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:06:48

keep up with the scripts, because I was having postpartum

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:06:52

anxiety and depression and, and it was a, it was a difficult

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:06:57

time for me. And that's when I started to turn to mindfulness

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:07:05

and meditation. And that was probably my first introduction

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with compassion, where I did this, where I did this self

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:07:15

compassion, meditation, and I put my hand on my cheek and the

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:07:20

tears would just not stop flowing. And so that that's the

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:07:25

first time I think I remember my, my direct contact with, you

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:07:31

know, the work with compassion. But it wasn't until much later

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:07:36

that I, I really became much more focused on it. So I also

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:07:44

self studied a lot of Dr. Kristin neffs work who is a

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:07:49

science researcher who focuses on Mindful self compassion. And

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:07:54

Tara brach is another one of my teachers. And then Dr. Shefali,

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:08:02

Dr. Gabor Ma, Tei, Suzie Lulu all sort of have this underlying

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:08:08

theme of compassion. And more and more, I realized that this

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:08:16

work cannot be cannot be done without compassion, and just

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:08:22

healing my own relationship with myself,really required me to

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:08:28

become compassionate, because what ended up happening as I was

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:08:32

telling you about my parenting journey, I realized that I was

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:08:37

just being really harsh with myself, I kept feeling like a

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:08:41

failure, I kept feeling inadequate.

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:08:45

And I realized that the key was to have radical acceptance and

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:08:53

radical compassion for myself, and only then I could begin to

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:08:57

transform any of my other relationships. That's sort of

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:09:03

how I came to just really focusing on compassionate and I

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:09:11

strongly believe now that you know, you can have all the

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:09:16

intellectual knowledge about this is what you should say to

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:09:20

your child, or this is what you need to do in order to integrate

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:09:24

some of your own traumas, perhaps. However, it's

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:09:29

incomplete until you begin to have self compassion. And only

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:09:34

when we are able to be self compassionate, we can offer

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:09:37

compassion to other people that is actually authentic. Yeah,

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:09:41

yeah. So it's deep and it's layered. And thank you for

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:09:46

sharing those pieces and parts of your journey and how they

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:09:50

unfolded for you. Sort of by even like how you were beginning

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:09:55

with you had that scientific kind of background and so used

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:09:59

harder to turn to things that were probably developmentally

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:10:03

scientifically supported. And that appealed to you. And that's

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:10:07

for a lot of people, because a lot that we kind of push it

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:10:11

away. And if it's not rooted in science, then the you know,

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:10:15

we're not a lot of people aren't going to go there. So I like you

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim: 00:10:17

pointing that out. Because

Unknown: 00:10:20

I think more and more we're finding that this work is

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supported by it's just, we just sometimes assume it's not going

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to be so you named Kristin Neff, as a teacher. I've heard you

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talk a lot about Tara Brock's work. But you know,

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and I've heard you talk, I think it was her in particular that

Unknown: 00:10:40

has the rain.

Maureen Spielman: 00:10:43

In that's, that's regarding compassion,

Maureen Spielman: 00:10:45

too. Can you talk a little bit about that? Because I think

Maureen Spielman: 00:10:47

that's a really neat framework. And I always like to just more

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and more, give the listeners things that they can take away,

Maureen Spielman: 00:10:56

even if it's something that they go look into more of themselves.

Maureen Spielman: 00:11:00

But yeah, what about that? Oh, yeah, I love that. You're asking

Maureen Spielman: 00:11:04

me this question. And I absolutely love Tara Brock's

Maureen Spielman: 00:11:09

work, it has been so

Unknown: 00:11:12

important in my own journey. And so it's a tool

Unknown: 00:11:19

reign of compassion is a tool. And while

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this practice is not something that Tara brach developed, it

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pre existed, however, she has her own version, which really

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focuses on the compassion piece of it.

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And

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I have learned to rely on it a lot, especially during difficult

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times. So rain is an acronym. And it stands, the R stands for

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recognize. And A stands for allow, I stands for investigate,

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and N stands for nurture.

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So this tool is basically a really beautiful, and very

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practical way of re parenting yourself.

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And that's, that's what I really love about it.

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So, when you're practicing how I do it, just if the listeners

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want to practice it, and Tara brach has a lot of resources, I

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hope I do it justice.

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But, so when you are practicing, what you need to do is just kind

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of settle down and just, you know, sit with silence for a

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couple of minutes. And then you could do this as a meditation,

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or you could do it as a journaling practice, or you

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could even do it

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with a buddy, I often do it with a buddy on a weekly basis. And,

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and then it just becomes over time, it just becomes your go

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to, and you could be doing it on your phone, in a moment of

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distress. So, so just settle down in kind of center and just

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allow What's there to just, you know, just attune to yourself,

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right. And then our recognize so in recognize you are sort of

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separating yourself from the story.

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This person said this, this is what happened. And it's often

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very easy for us to get caught up in the story. So when we go

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to recognize we're recognizing some of the main facts of what

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happened. And then we're also focusing on what are the primary

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emotions that are that this is bringing up for me, and just

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either, you know, just getting present to them, or if you're

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journaling, just writing that out. And then

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just sitting with that for a few minutes. And once you have

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recognized Okay, I am feeling anger, I'm maybe feeling

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sadness. Oh, I just realized there's shame.

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You know, so once you have that, then you move into the next

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step, which is allow the a of rain allow, and allowing

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basically, what it does is it helps us to move from,

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from our storyline into just welcoming what is here. Right.

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And

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it also allows us to as Tara brach says that it allows us to

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see that this is just a wave, and then we can be the ocean,

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we're not that wave. So we're separating a little bit,

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creating some space from that emotion and just allowing it to

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be here and kind of reminding ourselves that this too is part

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of our human experience, whether that's anger or sadness or shame

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or what have you. And once you have allowed it and you have

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reminded yourself that this to this to belongs and I can hold

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this emotion as well.

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It's okay for it to be here.

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Then we move into the eye of rain, which is investigate.

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And while the word investigate may sound intellectual, it, the

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process itself is not. So it's very much shifting, using the

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allowing part, and shifting from the storyline and thoughts into

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the felt perception.

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And this is where you ask yourself, Okay, what am I

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believing? So what is the limiting belief under all of

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this? What is the most painful thing unbelieving? What is what

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feels most vulnerable right now?

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And if I could just really get in touch with that, where do I

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feel it in my body?

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And what is it? What does it feel like? Does it have a

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texture?

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Does it have, you know, what sensation is it? Is it that my,

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my belly is clenched, or my jaws clenched? Or is my heart feeling

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heavy?

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Right, so just kind of getting really present to all of that.

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And then the next step

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is nurturing the end of rain. And in nurturing, this is the RE

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parenting part.

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And so this is where you call upon either your own Higher

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Self, or if you believe in some sort of God, or, you know, some

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some loving

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person in our life, for example, for many people, it could be

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their grandparents, or it could be, you know, some wise teacher,

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it could be Tara brach herself,

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the whoever you relate to most, and see them as this wise,

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loving,

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you know, persona. So just calling upon that, then I think

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Elizabeth Gilbert Gilbert, the writer talks about, she writes a

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letter to love every morning. So it could just be love itself,

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right? Whatever resonates with you, and kind of calling them

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in. And now asking how this part of us that's feeling whether

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that's sadness, or shame, or

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whether it's anger,

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or whatever our feelings are, how do they want this higher

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self or this this loving, wise identity to be with it?

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And then offering that

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and then offering that part?

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You know, the nurturing, it may just be as simple as saying, you

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know, darling, I care about your suffering. This is a line from

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Dr. Kristin Neff, actually. But it could be something like ICU,

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I love you. Or, you know, when we ask, how would you like me?

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How would you like this identity to be with with you, you may get

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a response and really tuning in to what is the need, you know,

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that that's that.

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And we often when we'll find that we have this really, really

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young part within us that's just seeking for some reassurance or

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some reminder

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that says, you are lovable, you are good inside. And I see you,

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and I love you. So just offering that to those parts, those parts

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of us that are hurting, and you conclude the rain with just

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checking in with yourself like what is my

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sense of being right now after having done this process? And

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has that shifted from when I started to where I am now. And

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maybe what is something that I want to take away?

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That I want to remember that it may be one line mantra that came

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to you some insight that may have come to you and just kind

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of taking that away with us into our lives. So that's how Yeah,

Unknown: 00:19:25

I love Italia. What a beautiful explanation. I think that you

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went through each step, just listening to it, the way you

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describe it and with your voice and and just even I noticed that

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the slowing down the really, because what it reminds me of to

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is the way that I was taught or not taught to be with my

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emotions would be as we always say, kind of suppressing them,

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not tending to them. So then we go in our life and we're we just

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we

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don't even know that we have this whole operating state

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underneath, like, seriously. And so that process was beautiful

Unknown: 00:20:08

because I think it mirrors I have studied Suzy Lula's the

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language of self compassion, her course might just be compassion

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or self compassion. But that has similarities, but it's really

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calming down, slowing down, it feels like it's so good for our

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nervous system, because like you were saying, when you're in

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distress when you have something flare up in your life, if you

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have the time and the space, and if you can make the time in this

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space, I would say to have the question of Have you witnessed

Unknown: 00:20:45

yourself go from a point of distress to just a radically

Unknown: 00:20:51

different space within that process of rain? Yeah, yes, yes,

Unknown: 00:20:56

thank you, I want to really highlight something you said.

Unknown: 00:21:01

So I told you that I have been practicing this this process. I

Unknown: 00:21:06

have it like on my calendar once weekly. And

Unknown: 00:21:11

time and time again, when I have arrived for the meeting with my

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buddy. There has been times where I'm like, Yeah, I have no

Unknown: 00:21:20

idea what I'm going to talk about today. And yet, there is

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something that comes up. And, and at the end of it, I am so

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grateful that I have this time of checking in with myself.

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Because if I didn't, the alternative would be that I

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would go around my life projecting all of that pain,

Unknown: 00:21:41

grief, shame onto my kids, especially onto all of my

Unknown: 00:21:45

relationships. So it's been a really powerful practice for me

Unknown: 00:21:51

to just make sure that I process what I would not have otherwise.

Unknown: 00:21:58

And so it's been it's been really helpful in that sense.

Unknown: 00:22:02

And oh, my gosh.

Unknown: 00:22:08

I can't say that it solves all my problems, right? It doesn't.

Unknown: 00:22:14

However, however, even in the midst of my distress, it has

Unknown: 00:22:22

time and time again, helped me move from hopelessness, move

Unknown: 00:22:28

from where I'm just feeling intense shame.

Unknown: 00:22:33

Or just, you know, a lot of sadness into

Unknown: 00:22:41

at least creating space. Yeah, at least creating that little

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space where I can

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allow

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myself to kind of reach in and soothe myself and allow presence

Unknown: 00:22:58

to come through allow

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me my wiser self to come through so that I'm not operating from

Unknown: 00:23:05

my shell self in my life as much. And like I said, and then

Unknown: 00:23:11

there's been times where it's allowed a major shift where I

Unknown: 00:23:16

came in with, like, so much distress, and then I'm leaving

Unknown: 00:23:19

with, like, lightness. And, you know, it's, it's just completely

Unknown: 00:23:24

it's a matter of perspective often, right? So it's like,

Unknown: 00:23:28

before, I'm seeing it from just like, from my child's self

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level, and then I'm able to take that, like mountain Suzy Lulu

Unknown: 00:23:35

says, mountain top view. So it's been really powerful practice

Unknown: 00:23:39

for me. Oh, it sounds like it. It's just an it's the softening

Unknown: 00:23:44

and it's the inner, I always call it inner dialogue. Like,

Unknown: 00:23:48

you're right back to what you said in the beginning, my inner

Unknown: 00:23:52

dialogue, my whole life has been really harsh, really punitive.

Unknown: 00:23:55

Really. And it's just

Unknown: 00:23:59

something that I, again, on some level accepted that was going to

Unknown: 00:24:04

be, you know, ever present in my life. So we It's proof that, you

Unknown: 00:24:09

know, that we can when we turn inwards, soften in pay

Unknown: 00:24:14

attention, like I like the beginning to recognize the

Unknown: 00:24:17

allow, and without judgment, right. Without that allowance,

Unknown: 00:24:22

just without judgment. Just it's, it's not right or wrong.

Unknown: 00:24:25

That was a big Shefali thing. Just, you know, there's no, but

Unknown: 00:24:28

she always called duality. There's not a rightness or

Unknown: 00:24:31

wrongness. And if we can diffuse and take away any of those

Unknown: 00:24:35

projections that we put upon what we're experiencing as being

Unknown: 00:24:39

bad or wrong, then we allow.

Unknown: 00:24:42

Exactly, yeah, yes, so there is no

Unknown: 00:24:48

judgement in the allowing, while there may be judgment that we

Unknown: 00:24:53

recognize initially like Oh, I'm judging myself. And in the

Unknown: 00:24:57

allow, it's it's turning

Unknown: 00:25:00

Two words. Like, of course, I am allowing, of course, I'm feeling

Unknown: 00:25:04

this way. You know, I think it's Suzy Lulu that says it's so

Unknown: 00:25:09

understandable that I'm feeling this way. And and yes, and

Unknown: 00:25:14

absolutely. It's about that non duality of it, there is no right

Unknown: 00:25:18

or wrong. It just is. And Dr. Shefali talks about, you know,

Unknown: 00:25:23

accepting the isness?

Unknown: 00:25:26

Yes. So it's the same concept. And, yes, I found all of the

Unknown: 00:25:32

teachers to have that underlying theme of, you know, the

Unknown: 00:25:37

acceptance of the present moment. And

Unknown: 00:25:41

what would be the most compassionate thing to do in

Unknown: 00:25:44

this moment, asking ourselves that instead of operating from

Unknown: 00:25:49

what Dr. Shefali might call the ego or Susilo out that might

Unknown: 00:25:53

call the survival self? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I think it comes

Unknown: 00:25:59

to me, thank you for all of that. That just for it, that

Unknown: 00:26:03

it's a process that we begin, you said something earlier

Unknown: 00:26:06

about, things can be intellectualized in in our head,

Unknown: 00:26:11

and it does for our listeners, the work is worthy to begin, I

Unknown: 00:26:16

mean, you can tell from Tony's explanation, that it's just

Unknown: 00:26:19

really worthy work. And, and it's a process. And I think that

Unknown: 00:26:25

even as

Unknown: 00:26:28

you know, our circle, when we kind of talk about what's going

Unknown: 00:26:32

on in our lives, you've all even witnessed me, I used to be a

Unknown: 00:26:36

person that I don't consider myself an intellectual,

Unknown: 00:26:40

intellectual, but everything would be up here. And then if

Unknown: 00:26:45

someone else would even try to apply compassion for me, to give

Unknown: 00:26:51

it to me, I just wanted to just push it away. But that's

Unknown: 00:26:55

probably a mirror into if you if you know if I push away

Unknown: 00:26:59

compassion, probably not that great at giving it to myself

Unknown: 00:27:03

yet. Would you agree with that? Yeah, absolutely. 100% I think

Unknown: 00:27:08

that

Unknown: 00:27:13

we often operate from this space of what Tara brach calls the

Unknown: 00:27:19

trance of unworthiness. So, we have this limiting belief,

Unknown: 00:27:26

which was an adaptation, a coping mechanism as a child

Unknown: 00:27:31

where we had to adopt this belief that we are not worthy of

Unknown: 00:27:35

compassion. And so when we are even given compassion on a

Unknown: 00:27:41

platter, we feel so uncomfortable, and it's so

Unknown: 00:27:44

unfamiliar. That it we don't, we're not we're unable to

Unknown: 00:27:49

receive it. And so, you know, we can want intellectually people

Unknown: 00:27:57

to be compassionate to us. But it isn't until we turn inwards

Unknown: 00:28:01

and repairing ourselves and give ourselves that compassion and

Unknown: 00:28:05

address that limiting belief. Oh, what am I believing? Oh, I'm

Unknown: 00:28:08

believing I'm not worthy. Okay, is that really true? And, and

Unknown: 00:28:14

that's how we can shift. And that's when we are able to begin

Unknown: 00:28:20

to receive compassion. And I think that the more we do that

Unknown: 00:28:23

anything lesser would probably become unacceptable. Yeah. Yeah.

Unknown: 00:28:28

Such a great explanation.

Unknown: 00:28:31

Yeah, and I really love that you have a date with a buddy, when

Unknown: 00:28:36

you were telling me that, because how perfect. I mean,

Unknown: 00:28:40

you're creating a space within your weekly calendar that even

Unknown: 00:28:44

if a person had, you know, once a week, I mean, we want these

Unknown: 00:28:48

dates to be more often for our working with ourselves. But kind

Unknown: 00:28:54

of when you were talking about that, I was thinking like, oh,

Unknown: 00:28:57

wow, fast. I don't usually think about taking myself on a date.

Unknown: 00:29:00

But it's kind of a nice way to think of it, because we're

Unknown: 00:29:04

recording ourselves and we're recording that the worthy part

Unknown: 00:29:07

of ourselves that deserves to be to have this space and what it

Unknown: 00:29:12

what if there was this world where we did put these dates on

Unknown: 00:29:16

our calendar with a body with a friend who could process whether

Unknown: 00:29:21

it was rain, or just sacred listening, and listening, and

Unknown: 00:29:27

just listening with compassion? And it's just a beautiful

Unknown: 00:29:31

concept. Yeah, thank you. I really appreciate what you're

Unknown: 00:29:35

saying. It reminds me of Julia Cameron's book, the artists way.

Unknown: 00:29:39

And she talks about having dates with yourself. And I love this

Unknown: 00:29:44

idea of having a date with yourself where you there's a

Unknown: 00:29:49

surefire way of offering yourself compassion as well as

Unknown: 00:29:53

processing, you know, emotions that need to be processed. And

Unknown: 00:29:57

you know, during the week, as I go

Unknown: 00:30:00

On if something major is happening, and I'm or even

Unknown: 00:30:03

something actually smaller is happening because I tend to deal

Unknown: 00:30:07

with the major things. But if it's small, I may just kind of

Unknown: 00:30:10

say, okay, it was not a big deal. Let's move on.

Unknown: 00:30:14

And but I can bank on that time that I will come back and handle

Unknown: 00:30:19

that and process it and integrate it instead of just

Unknown: 00:30:23

letting it kind of get stuck in my body.

Unknown: 00:30:28

Yeah, I can, I can see even I know you do a lot of the work of

Unknown: 00:30:32

connection with body. And

Unknown: 00:30:35

and I don't know, I know that's been seated in your work. Like,

Unknown: 00:30:38

as you've studied different modalities. It sounds like the

Unknown: 00:30:41

ones you just described. Absolutely.

Unknown: 00:30:44

And you also have studied Gabor Ma Tei is compassionate inquiry.

Unknown: 00:30:50

Is that right? Yeah. And how has that affected your work as a

Unknown: 00:30:55

coach, and not just with yourself? Because, you know, so

Unknown: 00:30:59

far you've, you've talked about how you work with yourself, but

Unknown: 00:31:02

you know, you are a conscious relationship coach, too. So just

Unknown: 00:31:07

all these modalities and, you know, you use them both, you

Unknown: 00:31:11

know, like you said, with yourself, but with your clients

Unknown: 00:31:13

as well. And, yeah, I don't know, if you want to talk a

Unknown: 00:31:16

little bit about gabaars work or just how it's affected your

Unknown: 00:31:19

work. Yeah, absolutely. i

Unknown: 00:31:24

It was an absolute privilege to learn from Gabor. And

Unknown: 00:31:30

it really shifted, it really shifted how I approach my work,

Unknown: 00:31:35

because

Unknown: 00:31:37

Gabor really helped me understand that.

Unknown: 00:31:43

Some of the, what, what Dr. Shefali, calls eagle or Susie,

Unknown: 00:31:49

Lulu calls the survival self, the these parts had no other

Unknown: 00:31:54

choice.

Unknown: 00:31:56

And, you know, it was a, it was a matter of choosing between a

Unknown: 00:32:01

child authenticity and their survival, which is basically

Unknown: 00:32:07

connection with their caregivers. And they had to

Unknown: 00:32:10

choose connection over their authenticity. And so just really

Unknown: 00:32:14

having deep compassion for my clients and helping them have

Unknown: 00:32:19

compassion for those parts of them. Where, you know, they

Unknown: 00:32:24

adopted these adaptations that Gabor calls a stupid friend who

Unknown: 00:32:30

still thinks that you're three,

Unknown: 00:32:33

and still gives you the same advice, which would have been

Unknown: 00:32:35

really helpful, which saved your life at three, but now, it gets

Unknown: 00:32:39

you into trouble. So it's maladaptive.

Unknown: 00:32:42

So yeah, it really has helped me

Unknown: 00:32:46

have compassion for parts of my clients and their adaptations,

Unknown: 00:32:52

as well as helping them see that, you know, it's not their

Unknown: 00:32:57

fault, that those are the coping skills that they had to adopt as

Unknown: 00:33:03

children. Yeah. And do you see, too, that, you know, what I hear

Unknown: 00:33:07

you saying is that, when we are presented with certain scenarios

Unknown: 00:33:13

in our childhoods, that we are watching from a child's eyes,

Unknown: 00:33:19

that we begin to behave in ways that we have to kind of adapt to

Unknown: 00:33:23

our environment because possibly our true selves, the way we just

Unknown: 00:33:29

came into the world wouldn't be tolerated, whether it were if if

Unknown: 00:33:33

I were a lively child, and every time they were like, your Be

Unknown: 00:33:37

quiet, you know, I, I grew up with, I think, in the generation

Unknown: 00:33:41

of seen and not heard. So so many of us did, and that's

Unknown: 00:33:45

transforming now, which is such a beautiful thing. But

Unknown: 00:33:49

I learned to be quiet. And then what happened to me is I

Unknown: 00:33:53

remember and I can see certain pictures of me and my childhood

Unknown: 00:33:57

of Maureen like good little Maureen. And they'd say, she's

Unknown: 00:34:01

so quiet, she's so quiet. And I would I would be sitting there

Unknown: 00:34:06

and I could see the pictures, and sort of wide eyed but taking

Unknown: 00:34:09

in everything that my elders were saying and then

Unknown: 00:34:16

transforming that in my mind to I'm likeable. I will be honored

Unknown: 00:34:22

if I'm quiet, quiet, but is what happens to a person over their

Unknown: 00:34:28

lifetime that we get to our adult selves into our 30s into

Unknown: 00:34:34

our 40s into our 50s and we just are feeling this kind of almost

Unknown: 00:34:39

like friction of what our true self is if we've carried on that

Unknown: 00:34:43

persona, that mask that survival, that stupid friend for

Unknown: 00:34:47

that many years, it's gonna come for a lot of us to a head almost

Unknown: 00:34:53

like it's going to be where whether it's a breakdown,

Unknown: 00:34:56

whether it comes out, you know, it may be in an illness

Unknown: 00:35:00

Whether it comes out just in our relationships, is that what you

Unknown: 00:35:04

see? Is that the right idea? Like for like, just to give an

Unknown: 00:35:07

example for our listeners? Yeah, absolutely. I think that the

Unknown: 00:35:13

universe just keeps on presenting us with opportunities

Unknown: 00:35:17

to wake up.

Unknown: 00:35:19

And so yes, I think that life keeps presenting us with

Unknown: 00:35:24

opportunities and reminders that we need to wake up, however,

Unknown: 00:35:31

because we are in that trance of unworthiness, because we're sort

Unknown: 00:35:35

of hiding our true selves in order to protect it. Behind

Unknown: 00:35:42

those adaptations behind that survival self, it's challenging,

Unknown: 00:35:47

right? And

Unknown: 00:35:49

thank you for sharing. So vulnerably. I just want to

Unknown: 00:35:53

acknowledge you that what a testament to this podcast is for

Unknown: 00:35:58

you to be exercising your voice. You see that message as a child?

Unknown: 00:36:03

Absolutely. Yeah. Thank you. It's so it's so true. And it's

Unknown: 00:36:07

the it's been a journey of transformation. And that's,

Unknown: 00:36:11

that's a really important point you make because I think we can

Unknown: 00:36:16

look to another and see what they're doing think, oh, oh,

Unknown: 00:36:20

that's easy for her. But in fact, we all have our stories.

Unknown: 00:36:24

And we all have where we came from. And that's I mean, if

Unknown: 00:36:27

someone's sitting with me, whether it's a client or a

Unknown: 00:36:31

sister or a friend, I know, just by doing this work that we all

Unknown: 00:36:36

have extensive backgrounds and places and hurts and woundings,

Unknown: 00:36:40

and, and painful places that we came from. And so and we're in,

Unknown: 00:36:46

even if we've gotten to a certain point where we can use

Unknown: 00:36:49

our voice, more and more, or it's all a work in progress till

Unknown: 00:36:53

the day we die is the way I see it. Absolutely. Yeah, I think

Unknown: 00:36:57

it's Michael Brown, who says in the presence process that

Unknown: 00:37:03

I'm not exactly quoting him, but the gist of it was that because

Unknown: 00:37:07

we're human, we can't escape, that we are going to have some

Unknown: 00:37:11

childhood wounds, no matter how conscious our parents are. And I

Unknown: 00:37:16

see that day in my life with my kids. So and yes, it's it's it

Unknown: 00:37:24

wasn't our fault, like Gabor says, right and as soon as he

Unknown: 00:37:27

says,

Unknown: 00:37:29

But it is our responsibility. So life is going to present us with

Unknown: 00:37:34

opportunities. And often I feel like they look. They're not

Unknown: 00:37:39

comfortable, they look more like challenges right there. They're

Unknown: 00:37:42

not necessarily the comfortable places. So it is up to us to

Unknown: 00:37:49

rise up to the call of life and

Unknown: 00:37:52

use it for our conscious growth and use it for our awakening.

Unknown: 00:37:58

Yeah, I think it's been such a good conversation around

Unknown: 00:38:02

compassion, and just the different things you've noticed

Unknown: 00:38:05

today re parenting,

Unknown: 00:38:08

coming to our survival mechanisms, our ego, whatever is

Unknown: 00:38:13

operating within us, that's not working anymore. I think that is

Unknown: 00:38:18

because I feel like sometimes even if I use the word

Unknown: 00:38:21

consciousness, that word can seem sort of lofty, and it can

Unknown: 00:38:26

seem like what does that mean? And but it's everything we're

Unknown: 00:38:30

talking about today. It's it's all the work that's encompassed.

Unknown: 00:38:35

We're human, that it's our work on this planet Earth. And I

Unknown: 00:38:39

think when we're willing to, to begin to listen to these

Unknown: 00:38:44

conversations to open ourselves up to Oh, wow, I do have these

Unknown: 00:38:50

emotional worlds operating within me, I'm going to get

Unknown: 00:38:53

curious, I'm going to be willing, I'm gonna sit with

Unknown: 00:38:58

somebody who can guide me through it. And I think that's

Unknown: 00:39:02

such a I just just sitting here listening. It's such a beautiful

Unknown: 00:39:07

thing that coaches like you can offer is spaces with to sit with

Unknown: 00:39:13

someone and be with someone who allows whatever is coming up for

Unknown: 00:39:18

you. But to have these really fabulous tools to tap into

Unknown: 00:39:23

ourselves in sometimes it is using that, that outside tool

Unknown: 00:39:27

before we just start to cultivate it and it becomes so

Unknown: 00:39:30

natural to us. And as we know, we've been practicing for a

Unknown: 00:39:34

while and it's not always the first thing you turn to. And

Unknown: 00:39:38

right. Yeah, absolutely. We're unlearning not only decades but

Unknown: 00:39:44

generational stuff here. So it's understandable that it takes a

Unknown: 00:39:48

lot of practice and intention. Absolutely. Yeah. I'm so happy

Unknown: 00:39:54

you said that because I know one of the cornerstones of your work

Unknown: 00:39:59

has

Unknown: 00:40:00

Then the unlearning and the dismantling is or deconstructing

Unknown: 00:40:05

of what comes down through the generations? Can you talk to

Unknown: 00:40:09

that a little bit because I just love, I love that area of the

Unknown: 00:40:15

changes, transformations we're committing to in this lifetime.

Unknown: 00:40:20

Our, our, our deconstructing what's come before us and

Unknown: 00:40:24

leading to healing. But I know you can say it better than that.

Unknown: 00:40:27

So what why do you love generational healing so much?

Unknown: 00:40:30

And what is it?

Unknown: 00:40:33

Great question.

Unknown: 00:40:35

Why do I love generational healing so much? Well, I think

Unknown: 00:40:39

that, like I already said, it's not our fault, but it's our

Unknown: 00:40:43

responsibility. So I as a child went through a lot of pain, and

Unknown: 00:40:48

I'm sure I'm not alone. But I feel this really strong inner

Unknown: 00:40:53

sense of responsibility to not pass that on to my kids. Because

Unknown: 00:40:57

I know that pain firsthand. And I, while I had to,

Unknown: 00:41:04

you know, give up a lot of my authenticity, I am really

Unknown: 00:41:07

grateful that there is still a piece of me that believes that

Unknown: 00:41:13

that wasn't right, what was happening. And so and I think, I

Unknown: 00:41:18

think that to some extent, all of us have that, because there

Unknown: 00:41:23

is this, this spark of consciousness, awareness or

Unknown: 00:41:28

wisdom that resides in all of us, because that's our essence.

Unknown: 00:41:32

Right? So.

Unknown: 00:41:35

So I absolutely feel that responsibility of not passing on

Unknown: 00:41:41

the trauma. And I think that

Unknown: 00:41:46

many people don't realize that it's generational. And also, in

Unknown: 00:41:53

my own journey, as I was very self critical in the beginning,

Unknown: 00:41:56

as a parent, I thought it was just all me I was I was just

Unknown: 00:42:00

failing every day. And, you know, and then just realizing

Unknown: 00:42:06

that, oh, it's actually generational, It's way bigger

Unknown: 00:42:09

than just even just a few decades of life that I have

Unknown: 00:42:14

lived. It's way bigger than that. Just even getting real

Unknown: 00:42:17

with that helped me again, have compassion for myself, you know,

Unknown: 00:42:22

and it.

Unknown: 00:42:24

And it's also really encouraging that,

Unknown: 00:42:29

you know, there will be some generational patterns that I

Unknown: 00:42:33

have broken that my kids would never even know, we're in the

Unknown: 00:42:39

chain of what was passed down. And while I can break them all,

Unknown: 00:42:44

I want to break what I can. Yes. Oh, such a Yes. Beautiful,

Unknown: 00:42:50

beautiful.

Unknown: 00:42:52

kind of dive into just a little bit of generational healing,

Unknown: 00:42:55

just perfect explanation. Yeah, there's,

Unknown: 00:43:00

I just have to reflect back to you, that the sort of how you

Unknown: 00:43:05

are alkalizing, your work, both for yourself and for the work

Unknown: 00:43:11

that you're doing around consciousness and conscious

Unknown: 00:43:13

relationship. Coaching is such a, it's just got so many juicy

Unknown: 00:43:20

parts to it with the compassion with a generational healing, and

Unknown: 00:43:24

just all these sub components of those, I think each of us brings

Unknown: 00:43:29

in what is exactly there for us to heal. But that that allows us

Unknown: 00:43:34

to, to bring it to the greater world around us. And that's why

Unknown: 00:43:39

I love these conversations so much.

Unknown: 00:43:42

Absolutely. Yeah. Blows me away. Yeah. Well, Tanya, as we're

Unknown: 00:43:49

finishing up today, I always like to ask, you know, where can

Unknown: 00:43:52

the listeners find you? If they want to look into your work

Unknown: 00:43:56

more? And

Unknown: 00:43:59

just as an addition to that, too? Do you sometimes do

Unknown: 00:44:04

coaching around some of the mindfulness, some of the

Unknown: 00:44:07

compassion work that we've been talking about today? Yeah, thank

Unknown: 00:44:12

you for asking that.

Unknown: 00:44:14

I think you can find me on Instagram at Stillwater

Unknown: 00:44:18

reflections. That's definitely a great place to connect with me.

Unknown: 00:44:22

I do have a website that I am still in the middle of updating,

Unknown: 00:44:26

it's still water reflections.com But like I said, it's not

Unknown: 00:44:28

updated at the moment.

Unknown: 00:44:31

I do offer workshops from time to time. I also offer mother's

Unknown: 00:44:36

support groups and I offer a book clubs that are related to

Unknown: 00:44:42

you know, people who are seekers and healers. And, of course I

Unknown: 00:44:46

offer one on one coaching. Oh, wonderful. Okay, good. Well, I

Unknown: 00:44:51

always put all the resources in the show notes so people can

Unknown: 00:44:54

find you. But I just want to thank you so much for being here

Unknown: 00:44:58

and contributing to our

Unknown: 00:45:00

Conversations on mystical sisterhood. Thank you Maureen.

Unknown: 00:45:03

It has been such an honor to be here. I really enjoyed it. Thank

Unknown: 00:45:08

you. Okay, we'll see you next time listeners. I hope that you

Unknown: 00:45:12

really enjoyed the conversation today. If you did and you know a

Unknown: 00:45:16

friend who might benefit from it, please share, and we'll see

Unknown: 00:45:20

you next time.

Unknown: 00:45:25

Thanks for listening to this episode of mystical sisterhood.

Unknown: 00:45:28

If you love what you heard, please visit Apple podcast and

Unknown: 00:45:31

subscribe and leave a review and share with a friend if you're

Unknown: 00:45:35

called to do so. To learn more about my one on one coaching

Unknown: 00:45:38

programs, or join the mystical sisterhood membership, visit

Unknown: 00:45:42

Maureenspielman.com or mysticalsisterhood.com Thanks so